Day 65 - Which "ME" Do I Really Deserve?

I had a day today. Quite a day. The kind of day where you sleep too late, forget your breakfast, run late, come within 6 inches of getting creamed by another car who wasn't paying attention on her way onto the road, AND have really important things at work to take care of which ALL get knocked down a peg by having to drag (I literally mean drag) your sick Kindergartener to the doctor only to find out that he has the flu (even though you made SURE he had his vaccination) AND that the flu is so bad that it's infected his eye.  And 6-year old men are so independent when they're sick, that you'll surely be able to get a bunch of work done while he just peacefully watches cartoons and rests all day and, hey, you'll even get to work more on your blog, right????? 

Hence, at the end of that long doctor's appointment, I had another left vs. right struggle in my brain, because I was already stopping at Sonic for a slush for my son's miserable throat, and I knew I was getting one too (Happy Hour = Half Price!).  I felt proud of myself for choosing a medium instead of a large (okay, I still got the Nerds candy in there because it's DELICIOUS) and for choosing the diet cherry instead of regular (less calories) and for winning the tug-of-war in my brain between chicken wings - no - chicken wings - no - OH PLEASE chicken wings!  I was proud of myself for saying NO, but then I got angry.  Why?  Because I DESERVE to eat frickin' chicken wings when I've dealt with all this crap all day, OKAY?!?!?

I've chatted about this several times and about how this is a really big struggle for me - what I deserve to eat, to have, to feel.  I've struggled with this because I thought it was about whether I really deserve to eat, have and feel those things, when I thought, truthfully, that I didn't really deserve to be happy.  Now I know that isn't true.  I had a "lightbulb moment" when I realized that I was RIGHT - it IS about what I deserve - I just had the timing wrong.  Making these choices isn't about what I deserve to eat, to have, and to feel NOW.  It isn't about ME, at least about the current "ME."  It's about creating the "ME" that I want to be - the life that I want to have.  

I realized I have been acting like a 6 year old.  I specifically thought of the famous 1960s-1970s Stanford studies on delayed gratification where researchers asked children if they wanted one marshmallow "now," or if they would rather wait 15 minutes and would be given two instead - and children almost ALWAYS choose now.  They choose "now" even though it's less than "later."  Why?  Because of immaturity. 

Because "now" is what they see right in front of them - "later" seems less concrete, there's less hope, they can't envision it.  Funny thing is, the kids who could delay the reward because they saw the value ended up, decades later, to be more successful in many areas of their lives. 

I'm being immature in my thinking - it's ALL about what I deserve - but I need to decide which ME I really deserve, and I already know the answer.  Now, I need to have the maturity to envision what that looks like, and have the hope through faith that it will turn into reality, if I will just be strong enough to make those right choices. 



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