Day 2 - How Turning Right Was The Right Choice... Until It Wasn't

Oddly, after another night's sleep that was too short, I felt much better this morning.  I wasn't taking my daughter to daycare today, so I had about 10 extra minutes of time to spare, which was AWESOME.  Of course with me, that means I have just enough time to swing through the drive through at McDonalds on my way into work.  Sausage muffin, Diet Coke... wait a minute, I'm trying harder to be healthy... CRAP!

Then I started a battle in my brain, trying to justify why one more little morning at McDonald's wasn't going to make or break the day, how I don't have these extra minutes so often, how I can push my shake back to lunch instead of breakfast, etc.  About seven minutes went by on this battle in my brain, and then it was decision time.  My stomach grumbled as I pulled up to the dreaded rintersection.  To go right would take me to work.  To go left would take me to McD's.  I could feel my arms desiring to turn left, but I said "NOPE" out loud and just turned the wheel that slight right (really the road goes straight but I had even angled my CAR to the left at the stop sign) and I felt a mixture of relief and anger at the same time. 

Anger?  Really?  The 5-year-old in me was trying to throw a temper tantrum at not getting her way, but the adult in me put her foot down.  But then the adult got so tired of hearing the 5-year-old complain that I did make a concession.  The craving for soda was SO bad, and I wanted food to crunch SO bad, that I pulled into a gas station, and had another mind battle over what to purchase.  I was really proud of myself for choosing a fairly-healthy granola bar, which I really enjoyed, and a soda-alternative, which although it does have artificial sweeteners in it, was a heck of a lot healthier than a Diet Coke.  And I only had as much of it as I needed to fulfill the craving.  Adult WIN!

 The rest of the day went pretty well since I had a migraine ALL DAY LONG.  (I teach middle school band - not the best work environment for a migraine, and we have a concert in two days so we DEFINITELY had to practice hard).  It hurt SO bad, I did cave and have 6 Hershey Kisses hoping that a bit of sugar and caffeine might help since the tylenol I took didn't do anything, but I had my healthified Stir-Fry that I made for lunch, and was feeling good else-wise.  I even drank a GOOD amount of water, which I had not been doing at all previously for quite some time.

So it seemed my one choice to turn right had set the rest of my day on a positive path.  Fast forward through a medical appointment for a family member, getting home past dinner, picking up fast food for the kids (I even bought a 1/2 size salad for my meal instead of a burger and fries - awesome!) and then getting a shower, kids to bed, cleaning for a bit with husband, and all of a sudden it was 9:15 and I had to run out for an errand. 

If you would have told me 10 years ago there'd be a day where I ran out to CVS, in my pajamas and no makeup after a shower with jacked-up hair, I probably would have laughed at you.  And I certainly would have not thought that would be me at only 34 years old.  But here I was, exhausted, ready to end my night, and here I was, at CVS, in my pjs. 

And here is where turning right became the WRONG choice.  I left CVS, and another craving came on.  I mean it hit me like a train and bowled me over.  I wanted a soda.  Again the internal battle geared up, took place, but the 5-year-old one as I turned the car RIGHT to go to Sheetz instead of left to go home.  I walked out with a Diet Coke and a no-bake cookie (hey, it has oatmeal, right?) and scarfed it down on the drive home.  And it was wonderful.  And I felt wonderful, until I stopped the car and the adult in me decided to check the label.  I am too embarassed to even tell you the numbers of the calories, sugar, and fat.  I feel so defeated, after my many battles today, to end on a low note.  I recognize that my day was still better than my previous self, where I may have made worse choices ALL day, but I am more disappointed in my loss of control and self-discipline.  

Many people would say - "Just tell yourself no.  Don't buy it, don't eat it, it's simple!"  But I can't explain what really happens in that moment.  I feel like I imagine a drug addict feels in that moment, the need for the quick fix.  I can't be the only one.  I understand that too, but it's still really hard!  

So here's hoping to make all the right choices, whatever direction those may be, tomorrow.